Ageing fathers: What to do when your childhood superhero turns frail

Diya and her father Harish had a fixed routine for the weekend. Every Saturday, the father-daughter duo would dig out new recipes and cook a mouthwatering dish from scratch. While her mother often frowned at the mess both of them would make in the kitchen after their Masterchef show, she couldn’t help but smile at the daddy-daughter duo whipping out delectable treats.
For Diya, her weekend ritual with her father was a medium of spending precious hours with her him, as between Harish’s late hours at work and Diya’s school, both of them hardly got to see each other during weekdays. She often dreamt of opening their very own eatery for her superchef dad and continue the ritual for all the years to come. However, ever since a back injury set Harish down, the cooking ritual on Saturdays have been replaced by visits to physiotherapy centres as the doctors have advised him against spending a considerable amount of time standing.
The heart-aching transition from being looked after by the parents to taking care of them is one of the most ironical examples of life coming to a full circle. As we grow older, it is the reality that most of us eventually have to face and things become especially difficult when it comes to our dads. For most of us, growing up our fathers have been the epitome of strength and the best security blanket one could possibly have. From riding on his shoulders when your tiny feet didn’t have enough strength to walk to watching him diligently fix yet another flat tyre with ease, we were often oblivious to how things automatically got fixed whenever he was around.
However, what do you do when the same arms that once held you tightly while crossing the road, shake while doing the bare minimum tasks? It is time for you to step-up as a child and provide the care and comfort your father needs in his twilight years. It is important to note that even the most well-intentioned children often end up ‘parenting’ their fathers instead of offering assistance. For someone who has been fairly independent his whole life, this sudden push and pulls about the do’s and don’ts from his kids may seem to threaten his control over his own life. So, if you go ahead and tell your father that he shouldn’t drive anymore, he would probably still do it, in a bid to hold onto a life that seems to be slipping away.
This is why it is important to strike a balance between concern and control when you offer a helping hand to your father. The idea is to plant an idea which is better for his well-being, explain why it will be good for him and then step back without pushing him more. You can repeat the advice, as and well needed. If you think about it, losing control over what you can and cannot do as you age can be a really scary and a father yearns for constant acknowledgement of the fact that he is more than capable of taking care of himself and his family.
The idea is to let him know that you are always there whenever the need arises, without micromanaging his life. You can always offer to run errands for him and take care of the little things which he may need without actually being pushy about the same. Remember, he may still be adjusting to this little role-reversal and may even be a little stubborn in accepting that he needs help. Take it one day at a time as you gently nudge him towards a lifestyle which is more compatible for his overall well-being.
One of the best things you can do for your ageing father is to involve him in your day-to-day life (and of his grandchildren), which will not only help him battle the loneliness that comes with old age but will also keep his mental health in check. Most fathers have spent all of their lives, silently keeping their children secure, calm and protected, and maybe it is time for you to do the same.